im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
