I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
