The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
