If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
