I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
