You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
