glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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