I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
now i know why i became what i already was.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
