mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
