Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Randomize
