Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
50% drunk capacity currently
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
