Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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