he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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