when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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