Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Drunk is a universal language darling
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
