you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
