I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
