youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
