i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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