Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
This can only be settled by a dance off.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
