I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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