Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Randomize
