You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Man, jail baloney is awful.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
