I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
