Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
