Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just gift wrapped bread.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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