The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
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Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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