sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
