we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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