She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
