what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
