Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
