She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
