i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
