I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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