new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
whose parrot is this?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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