is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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