I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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