Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I feel great
I just peed on a car
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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