You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
