At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
