I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
