Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Randomize
