o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
