someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
