Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
