I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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