Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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