i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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