she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
