I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
