My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
