dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
