a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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