i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
