last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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