Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
