I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
