Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
it's like heaven, but drunker
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
