I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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