I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
